Despite two recent interests, I’ve sort of been feeling like my dating life is on the rocks. Quick, send a merman to rescue me!
A week or two ago I went on a really interesting date with a guy. He’s a physicist, and extremely sociable and I have to say it was incredibly enjoyable to talk to somebody so intelligent and witty. Sometimes I feel in my life that I am losing some of my ability to articulate myself, out of lack of practice. My friends and I are so close that we often dispense with entire sentences even. Conversations can be bewildering for somebody who’s not a part of our group. Some would say that’s cliqueish, but I think that the nature of small groups is that they begin to create shared experiences which in turn become part of their own micro-culture. Like I said to a friend at a bar the other day, “I don’t speak butch.”
Bringing that back around to dating, I am extremely interested in maculinity (in many forms. Being a dickhead doesn’t make somebody maculine, it just makes him undatable.) But I have a hard time talking with some people. Normally it’s guys who self-identify as a kind of bro, or a dude. Guys for whom their guyness is a conscious act – something I find incredibly hot and attractive. But I feel like we’re not always speaking the same language and I have a hard time finding common interests with somebody who’s really into surfing, cars, and parties for example. Even if that guy is incredibly intelligent, sometimes they don’t seem willing to articulate themselves or to discuss things like that. It’s as though that is a private part of them that they don’t share. As you can imagine, that makes it incredibly difficult to try and date somebody like that.
Now granted, all this is just from my experiences. Everyday I look forward to finding myself proven wrong on some thing or other that disappoints me.
Tuesday I’m making food for a sunset picnic at a local park with a guy who’s a techie. We have had lots to talk about, including my recent migration to Linux (I’m using the Mint distribution, which is wonderful!
I’m still keenly aware of the fact that part of me rejects the idea of a boyfriend, but I still want to date and even be a little romantic. It’s just going to take some explaining. “I want to give you flowers and kiss you, but I don’t want to date you seriously just yet.”
I want to…I think I could call this courtship? I want to do sweet, respectful things. I want to “go slow” but not just in the physical sense (since I can fuck a total stranger and only later recall that I never learned his name. Oops.) I need to not scare myself off with the potential for a relationship – especially since so often that potential never materializes through my own fault or the fault of some other force.
Sorry for the rambling, but I just wanted to let you all know I’m not dead!