Bad News On The Rocks

July 19, 2009

Despite two recent interests, I’ve sort of been feeling like my dating life is on the rocks. Quick, send a merman to rescue me!

A week or two ago I went on a really interesting date with a guy. He’s a physicist, and extremely sociable and I have to say it was incredibly enjoyable to talk to somebody so intelligent and witty. Sometimes I feel in my life that I am losing some of my ability to articulate myself, out of lack of practice. My friends and I are so close that we often dispense with entire sentences even. Conversations can be bewildering for somebody who’s not a part of our group. Some would say that’s cliqueish, but I think that the nature of small groups is that they begin to create shared experiences which in turn become part of their own micro-culture. Like I said to a friend at a bar the other day, “I don’t speak butch.”

Bringing that back around to dating, I am extremely interested in maculinity (in many forms. Being a dickhead doesn’t make somebody maculine, it just makes him undatable.) But I have a hard time talking with some people. Normally it’s guys who self-identify as a kind of bro, or a dude. Guys for whom their guyness is a conscious act – something I find incredibly hot and attractive. But I feel like we’re not always speaking the same language and I have a hard time finding common interests with somebody who’s really into surfing, cars, and parties for example. Even if that guy is incredibly intelligent, sometimes they don’t seem willing to articulate themselves or to discuss things like that. It’s as though that is a private part of them that they don’t share. As you can imagine, that makes it incredibly difficult to try and date somebody like that.

Now granted, all this is just from my experiences. Everyday I look forward to finding myself proven wrong on some thing or other that disappoints me.

Tuesday I’m making food for a sunset picnic at a local park with a guy who’s a techie. We have had lots to talk about, including my recent migration to Linux (I’m using the Mint distribution, which is wonderful!

I’m still keenly aware of the fact that part of me rejects the idea of a boyfriend, but I still want to date and even be a little romantic. It’s just going to take some explaining. “I want to give you flowers and kiss you, but I don’t want to date you seriously just yet.”

I want to…I think I could call this courtship? I want to do sweet, respectful things. I want to “go slow” but not just in the physical sense (since I can fuck a total stranger and only later recall that I never learned his name. Oops.) I need to not scare myself off with the potential for a relationship – especially since so often that potential never materializes through my own fault or the fault of some other force.

Sorry for the rambling, but I just wanted to let you all know I’m not dead!

Inhabiting A Butch Space

June 29, 2009

In the summer I switch my fitted jeans and cute sweaters for graphic tees and baggy shorts. Smart leather sneakers for oversized flip flops. This summer I’ve even started growing a beard and buzzing my head. What this adds up to is that…I get hit on by girls sometimes. Like sitting at a table with friends and listening to conversation? Waitresses have flirted, or girls walking by have looked with more than a passing glance.

It’s weird.

Not because I don’t think I’m attractive. At this point in my life, I’m pretty convinced that I’m at least hot enough to get laid regularly and smart enough to get a decent boyfriend (eventually.) But because I am fairly convinced it’s due to looking more butch than normal. Super short hair, facial hair, and the clothes I wear all seem, from my perspective, to signal a more masculine nature, and in the culture I live in that usually means a more heterosexual nature.

Since this all started happening, and I started noticing, I’ve noticed that I feel more butch. I notice that I don’t feel as uncomfortable hanging around guys I don’t know – which is usually a little anxiety inducing. I’ve become a little more aggressive in bed when I’m with versatile or bottom guys. I’ve certainly started fantasizing about being a top more often than a bottom when I jerk off.

Contrast that behaviour with the guy I’m seeing regularly. He’s a self-described bro and there would be no arguement from me as to the correctness of that. He’s a guy, a guy who likes to fuck me and say filthy things to me and after we’ve both exhausted every naughty word and our bodies he likes to hold me. Or sometimes I hold him. It’s interesting, I’ve never been more submissive than with him and I’ve never felt more butch than right now.

Kinky? Really?

June 18, 2009

I’ve been called kinky before, and I’ll cop to the fact that certain non-vanilla situations turn me on. But I really feel no affinity with your typical kink fixings. Leather? Meh. Toys? Maybe, I guess.

Last night when I was fucking with this guy, we talked a lot in between ass pounding, dick swallowing, and cumming about kink. He calls himself very kinky, and said that he didn’t think I was.

But here’s the thing – calling him sir? Or calling him boy. Dirty talk. Words are incredibly kinky. One of my favorite fantasies to jerk off too is geting fucked by somebody who shouldn’t be fucking me and hearing him talk about what would people think if they saw me, legs spread and mouth open panting like a dog taking his cock. How dirty it is to be riding him and begging for something I should never have wanted, never should have gotten.

I guess I don’t know. I would love to find somebody who understood the kinkiness of what we say, because I want to try that out. I want to talk with more purpose when I’m fucking.

I Can Get Off When You Ain’t Around

June 9, 2009

How I let myself get flaked out on 4 times by the same guy, I’ll never know. I guess I’m a slow learner when I’m horny. But today was just the last straw. This morning I was listening to the album PCD in the shower – I know that sounds a wee bit trashy – and thinking “Goll, I really like these independent lyrics!” only to come home and jerk off after being stood up before putting I Don’t Need A Man on repeat.

I don’t need a man
To make it happen
I get off being free

Angry Queer Is Here

June 4, 2009

Today I put an idea I’ve had for a long time into action. Today you can get an Angry Queer t-shirt here. They come in men and women’s sizes in as many colors as possible with more being added very shortly.

I Don’t Blame You

June 1, 2009

I am bad news, and I’m owning that. Anybody who’s shown interest in me in the past year and a half has gotten the complete shaft except one or two people. I’m evasive and noncommittal, giving off mixed signals because of my own indecision. I don’t call back, I don’t text the next morning, I don’t accept 2nd dates. I won’t talk of anything of consequence; instead misdirecting with inconsequential sound bytes that sound more revealing than they are. I play off interests, values, judgments, and I rarely reveal anything concrete or real except perhaps in moments of anger which I use as my excuse to run into the night and never, ever return. I’m that really sweet guy that confuses and breaks hearts by my lack of honesty within myself and the strength to be clear. Trying to sublimate horny into love, showering kisses and grinding crotches without any promise for tomorrow, or ever.

I don’t think I’m a bad person – I just think I did some shitty stuff trying to ignore my own feelings.

Not O-Kay!

May 29, 2009

I have a new co-worker who is several kinds of awesome. We have a lot of things in common and he’s great to hang out with. At first I thought maybe he was gay, since he seemed particularly friendly to me and lord knows that must mean he wants some of the sweet loving stuff, right? Wellll, not exactly. I’ll admit I was a little disappointed, but he’s still awesome and since I’ve sworn off of dating for a while anyway it seemed no big deal.

Everything was fine until a few days ago when I heard from another co-worker that one of our customers had asked the new guy about his orientation, in public, in front of a lot of people and all I could think was “Not okay! Not okay at ALL!” In the middle of my indignation I realized how hypocritical I had been. I’d been discussing him with my friends, some of whom I work with, and realized the difference between talking about it behind his back and asking him face-to-face is small and both are inappropriate in a workplace, even one as extremely casual as ours.

I saw him on Sunday at work and apologized for him being asked so publicly, and in a way apologizing for any discomfort he might end up feeling because of such scrutiny from anybody. I told him, “That’s not a question you should have to answer from anybody. That is nobody’s business but yours.” He laughed it off, so it doesn’t seem to have been a big deal for him but it certainly shed new light on my behaviour!

Cybernetic Bees

May 20, 2009

I went on a date last week.

The last one I want to go on for a while I’ve decided.

But he said some interesting things to me when I told him that I didn’t think I should be dating just now. He said that I was the only person he’d ever met who wasn’t completely transparent to him after 20 minutes of conversation and that even after 5 hours of talking he still hadn’t figured me out.

He also said that for similar reasons he thinks dating a swarm of cybernetic bees would be interesting.

So, we’re going to be friends. Because when somebody says “I don’t understand myself and I feel like knowing you better will help me to know myself.” I can’t help but hang around. I remember feeling like I had no idea who I am or why I behaved the way I do. Sometimes I still feel that way, but rarely and fleetingly.

On the upside, my 21st birthday is next week and I will be able to go out dancing which is very exciting. I will continue to avoid alcohol since I have no interest in falling asleep on the bus and getting my purse stolen at 2 AM.

Crazy Moment #647

April 27, 2009

I have a friend who shares a lot of my psychological profile. We are remarkably similar in a number of ways even though we are definitely separate individuals. He and I have decided that those moments of insane insecurity that consume our brains when we’re dealing with boys are The Crazy. We have both taken to saying “I understand where you’re coming from, but you need to reign in the crazy.” or “Your crazy is out of control.” It acknowledges the basis of the insanity and also says “Please stop before you ruin this.”

Crazy Moment #647 was after World Class Cuddles had left and we texted a bit the next day and then he stopped responding. For three (four?) days I have slowly gotten more depressed and angry and hurt, thinking of ways to force him to reply to me. The worst part was that he left some things at my apartment so I knew eventually he’d have to get back to me. What it comes down to is I had no idea why he wasn’t responding, and my Crazy came out to tell me all the ways I wasn’t smart enough, wasn’t hot enough, was too weird, too awkward, wasn’t tidy enough, that I wasn’t good enough and that I had scared a human being SO BAD that he would abandon PJ pants and DS games at my apartment.

All of which is patently ridiculous, if you objectively review World Class Cuddles’ behaviour. All of which is ridiculous if you objectively look at me. Total nonsense.

But The Crazy? It knows none of this. It just knows the fear.

World-Class Cuddles

April 21, 2009

Sunday night was particularly shitty for me. A date I’d been on and had a great time on apparently was not a mutually enjoyable experience since he stopped replying to my texts after I’d told him I had a great time on Friday. Cue me being over-invested and crying and gratuitous ice cream purchasing.

Monday night was a vaaaast improvement. I had a guy over, and the original plan was to stay up all night and play card and board games. We stayed up until about 2 and then went to bed. I invited him to sleep in my bed since we had talked about the benefits of cuddling without the expectation of sexual activity.

Wooow. Wow! He was warm and smelled amazing and I felt so cozy and frankly I felt cute as hell cuddled up next to him all night. There was one moment in the middle of the night where I kissed his cheek, and he kissed me, and there was sleepy-passionate-grunty making out in our pajamas and then we went back to sleep and did it again when we woke up.

My day has started off much improved for all of this, thank fucking god because now I have to take myself down to the DMV.