Past: The Ones I Have Known

A working list of the boys I’ve met and loved, either to my improvement or my detriment.

I met a boy online when I was 13 with whom I formed a serious relationship that would last a little over 5 months, maybe 6. I broke up with him because we spent all of our time talking about having sex, and I felt bored and neglected.

After that I met a man on an internet message board of 17. We would maintain an romantically monogamous relationship on-line for just 1 week shy of two years when he decided to try dating in his more immediate area. He had met somebody else and wanted to give it a shot. He maintains that this was the worst mistake he’s ever made in regards to his love life. We are still friends, if distantly now.

Just before that I had been romantic with but not seriously committed to a man, also much older than me, who (claimed he) was from England and fascinated me. The first man to ever tell me I was beautiful, I was somewhat distraught when he abrutptly ceased speaking to me. I still have photographs of him on my hard drive, transferred from computer to computer. I sometimes think about putting up missing posters online, because I wonder whatever happened to him.

Then began a long period of time when I had several crushes in which I learned about unrequitted teenage angst. This period, and the relationships surrounding it, have probably shaped my ideas about love and responses to love interests more than I understand. Before graduating high school I had my first kiss from a straight friend, and lost my virginity to a friend’s “straight” brother, as well as having sex with a man old enough to be my father. Twice.

After that I moved to a large city where I discovered the queer community, and particularly the community of boys my own age. I dated and fucked very casually until a hilariously bad break-up that ended a relationship that was all of a week old. I was not too upset about this, though I all but disappeared from that scene and have not returned except once or twice with friends. Since then I have had far fewer sexual or romantic encounters, though I have been by no means totally bereft.

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