When Your Heart Holds You Back

A friend asked that I write about sexual freedom, and being as I am a pretty sex-positive queer kid I figured I’d write about how I got my freedom. What obstacles I’ve overcome to reach the place in my life where I feel free to express my sexual desire, show off my sexuality.

But I couldn’t. I can’t write about that, because it hasn’t happened.

It’s been said here that when I get emotionally invested in a person, I find it hard to initiate or indeed display any kind of physical need or attraction aside from some bumbling flirting. So yes, free-wheeling my way through life and having sex with nice guys – and sometimes not-so-nice guys – that I don’t plan to see much of. I can do that. I don’t really care what a guy I sleep with one night thinks of my sexuality or whatever, as long as he’s happy to fuck me and I’m happy to be fucked.

Then there’s Love. Or the feeling of falling in love anyway. I can’t do it. I can’t show you how sexy I am, how attracted to you I am. I’ll hide the wanton, the lusty, the filthy thoughts I have about you. Not just from you, but from myself. I’ll refuse to daydream about the possibility of sliding your cock between my lips. I won’t even for a minute think about what it might be like to see you naked. I shove it all down, deep down, and away from sight. Because I’m terrified that you won’t think I love you. That you’ll think I only want to fuck, to screw. That I won’t want to hold you all night after, or spend the day with you later. I don’t want you to miss the strength of my heart by distracting you with my hard dick. Ultimately I’m afraid that if you don’t know how much I love, you will feel unloved.

In many ways, this is how I can tell that I care. This is how I try to tell the difference between love and lust. If I remove all the sex from the equation, do I still like you? Do you still inspire me? Are we still what I want to see when I see myself with somebody? In hiding it all, in repressing my (incredibly strong) tendancy to have sex with anybody I share a mild liking with, I am merely trying to see if I’m in love. To see if maybe you love me too, and not just for sex. I live in fear of being somebody’s Permanent Booty Call, of putting my heart in the hands of somebody who would mistreat it, ignore it, shove it to the back of the drawer and leave it in the dark.

Fear for the pain you might cause my heart.

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One Response to “When Your Heart Holds You Back”

  1. Feminist Carnival of Sexual Freedom & Autonomy #15 - Sugarbutch Chronicles Says:

    […] When or If: When Your Heart Holds You Back A friend asked that I write about sexual freedom, and being as I am a pretty sex-positive queer kid I figured I’d write about how I got my freedom. What obstacles I’ve overcome to reach the place in my life where I feel free to express my sexual desire, show off my sexuality. … But I couldn’t. I can’t write about that, because it hasn’t happened. […]

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